All I Need

Sufficient

Adie Camp

Hear my heart Lord as I cry out to You
Hear my prayer Lord and carry me through
In Your mercy in the promise You made
Be my strength Lord when my strength fades away

Cause when I am weak Your strength is complete
It's perfect
Completely all I need
Sufficient for me
Your grace and peace are perfect
Completely all I need
You're all that I need

In my weakness I'm finding Your strength
In my sorrow a gentle embrace
Through the seasons of laughter or pain
You are listening
When I call out Your name

I'll find You when I seek
I'll look for You with all of my heart
And I'll find You when I'm weak
Cause You are strong

Hear my heart Lord as I cry out to You
Hear my prayer Lord and carry me through
Carry me through

You Can't Handle the Truth

Tonight, believe it or not, I have few words...

I do NOT understand God... it's not that I have ever tried to "figure Him out", it's just that when I think I might know Him, He changes.  I know... bad terminology.  HE doesn't change, but my understanding or perception of Him does.  He perplexes my intellect. He confounds my doctrine. He crushes my precepts, dogma and persuasions. 

It's not that truth, as I have presumed it, is no longer true. There is absolute truth.  Whether I believe something to be true or not does not change the veracity of truth. 

But... what if the vastness of truth is so far beyond my comprehension, that even attempts to understand it, prove the most futile of pursuits. 

I find myself tonight, and perhaps in a season of, an overwhelming sense of consternation.  I am experiencing aspects of what have the appearance of intense grace, but what most would consider "bad theology"... even I.  I don't know what to do with it...

My intellect "warns" of possible deception... but my spirit, the dwelling place of the Spirit of God, resists such a judgment, such reasoning.  "It" cuts deeply and vehemently through my conjectures and suppositions...

Have I so grossly underestimated the magnitude of God's grace that I cannot even recognize it?  Have I prostituted His goodness for "good theology"? 

I am genuinely struggling to put into words all that I am feeling and questioning...

What I know tonight is, that God is infinitely more than I can grasp... His love and His grace are indescribably... extravagantly... more than I can possibly absorb...

'Nuff said.

Nothing Really

I realize that anyone could read this meaningless little blog; but I have made the decision, that as I write, I will do so without thinking about any specific readers.   I need to have the freedom to write whatever is on my heart or mind without being concerned about who or how it may affect a potential reader; or burden myself with thoughts of someone questioning my motives in writing on certain topics.

This is MY blog.  It is an outlet for me, an escape of sorts.  It is where I can be overtly Steffanie... please allow me the freedom to do that.  I welcome your comments. In fact, I actually look forward to "discovering" them... they are like little gifts (cheesy I know, but honest).  I enjoy hearing the feedback of your thoughts on the subject or even (gulp) how I presented the subject.

I am going to pray here tonight...  I don't even really know why, except that tonight I need to cry out Jesus and as you read you can pray with me if you'd like

Father,

You alone are worthy.  You are good and kind.  Your grace and patience are beyond my ability to understand... thank you is SO trite but it is all I have.  I love and adore You.  Your provisions are countless.  It is in Your presence that I find the deepest peace...

Cast me not away from Your presence, Oh God. Take not Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore unto me, the joy of Your salvation; and renew a right spirit within me.

Papa, you know the deepest needs of my heart... I do not.  I know that my heart deceives me; it guides me into places that are not safe for me.  Help me discern safe places.  My heart Lord, is shattered... maybe beyond repair.  Only You know.

I bring some especially close friends before You tonight... seal them in love and bind them together in perfect peace. Bring healing and wholeness.  Give me words of life that I may speak over them as I pray for them.

Forgive me Father,  I am going to sleep now... I cannot even keep my eyes open to finish this.  I love and adore You. May Your grace abound! But ultimatey, may You be glorified!

I bring these things to You in the precious name of JESUS.  Amen.




**I actually wrote this last night... apparently, I fell asleep and woke up 10 hours later to find I had not posted it... I needed that-Thank You, Jesus.

Home Alone

I'm having trouble sleeping yet another night... so I thought I would come and hang out here for awhile.  Maybe I will bore myself to sleep. 

I am struggling a little tonight with some jealousy.  Random right?  It actually surprises me a little.  This is something with which I have I not struggled much.  If any of you reading this know me personally, you know my where life has been and is.  So all things considered, I really have not battled this much, albeit odd. 

I think the catalyst is seeing some of the people around me having what used to be mine.  Being married to your best friend, the one who would die for you.  The one who lays beside you, laughing at the truly dumbest things together; and the one who lays beside you who holds you while you cry together.  Convincing the children you are going upstairs to take a Sunday afternoon "nap".  Sharing inside jokes that no one else in the room gets but the two of you.  Still being friends... while having them walk through the hell of life with you... that's what I envy the most right now... even if it's a hell created by the one of you, you still get to walk it out together.  There is power in that... there is power in being together.  I really miss together. 

It's not all of the feelings of romantic love that I miss, while great, those have a shelf life, in any relationship.  It is that place of just knowing someone else has your back...always.  That at the end of a really bad day, you get to end it with someone you love and who loves you back.  Being with the person whose footsteps you know; whose cough, laugh,and even sniff, you would know without hesitation.  It's being together even with other couples or families and getting to go home together and share the memories of those times.  It is getting to watch and hear some pretty neat stuff with your children and share the memories of the moments... together.  I find myself having to fight through these feelings as I watch husbands usher their wives out of church with children in tow... leaving together;  as I walk out to my minivan (a family vehicle) and sink into the dreaded driver's seat... alone.  I really miss together.  

I had a close friend confide in me recently about some frustrations of their, just under 20 year, marriage.  This friend shared about, what I would describe as, the mundane and menial things that are very common at that length marriage.  May I propose, that those things that would be considered mundane, menial, common, maybe even at times boring, are the very things that provide safety, security and on some level, comfort... why? Because they are being done together.   Embrace it.  Cherish it.  Be intentional.  Make memories... together.  You are living in the days that you will talk about for the rest of your life, should you get the gift of longevity.  I am telling you, on this side... alone... is far worse than together. 

   

Not Bad Lookin' For a Fat Chic

This post will be short and sweet... ok, mostly short.  I have come to the conclusion that I have become so much more sinister, cynical and negative than I ever wanted be.  I'm going to spend some more time with Daddy to get to the root of it.  I hate it.  Primarily, because I see it present its ugly head most often toward my children.  Rather than looking for the best, I simply seem to see only the worst.   The most hideous thing about that is (gulp) I have become much to quick to point it out.

I am going to do what I do NOT want to do here... confess.  (It is always so much worse when you have to actually say it.)  Let me give you an example.  As soon as my oldest, teenage daughter got into the van after school, the very first words out of my mouth were, "Is that really what you wore to school today? Why don't you care how sloppy that looks?" She just rolled her eyes.  Mind you, she was completed covered.  Nothing inappropriate- for which I should be (and am) glad.  I have other friends with quite the opposite problem. But it didn't end there.  I went on. (Bigger gulp.) "Did you even wash your mascara off last night before bed... it's all running under your eyes." She turned her head away from me and just stared out the window.  What's wrong with me??

Part of me justifies my actions. Deplorable as they may be.  I know people treat you differently depending on how you look... I know this by experience.  I was treated one way as an obese woman (that's a whole other blog); but quite differently when I got smaller; from people at the mall to people at church.  It's true. 

Let me digress for a moment.  Just a couple of weeks ago I was in a conversation with some very close friends of mine.  They confronted me about something I had done/said in relationship to the husband.  I asked them if what I did and said would have been seen differently, if one: I were in a healthy marriage; two: if I was still fat.  The answer? YES.  I could have done and said the EXACT same thing and the response would have just been, "Oh, that's just Steffanie."  They literally admitted this to me. How I looked factored into how even some of my closest adult friends, treated me or responded to my interaction with them.  It matters.

How do I balance this unfortunate reality, with the efforts of teaching my girls to not allow what others think of them to affect who they are... but it does.  (I have now gone in a completely different direction than first I intended here.)  But the question is one that continues to push to the forefront with me.  How do I balance this for myself.  I used to, almost  obsessively, never leave the house without makeup.  When you are obese, people make assumptions about you; you are lazy, undisciplined, and a slob.  I worked to counteract these stereotypes.  If you are being honest, if a skinny girl walks into Walmart with a holey sweatshirt and sweatpants, you probably won't even notice her.  But if a woman (or man for that matter) walked in wearing the same thing at 250 pounds, those assumptions begin to cross your mind.  They have mine.  So I fought to be the "cute" "big" girl; by what I wore, and never being seen without makeup. I wish I could give you a count of how many times I heard, "You have such a pretty face." FYI- we "big" girls KNOW what that really means: "You're not bad looking for a fat chic."  I'm not just being funny here.  Have you ever heard that said, or thought it, about a skinny girl? Have you ever heard someone say to a thin woman "You have such a pretty face"? Yeah, me either.  It matters.

I have a lot more freedom in how I look... do I want to present myself well? Sure.  But it doesn't drive me like it used to.  I prefer to wear my makeup, but I don't stress if I am "caught" without it.  I wear sweatpants, holey jeans and grungy work shirts.  Would I still do that if I were obese? I don't know.  But I know I am beginning to care less what others think of me... or am I now just transferring that to what others think of my daughter? Ugh.

I am sure I will continue to revisit this issue... it is too cyclical to not.  Until then, I am going to work at God's instruction to "...encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today...".  You know what, my daughter looked...um, uh... comfortable! Yeah, comfortable.  Comfortable in her own skin... I want to be like her when I grow up.

Creepers

Hey!  I saw earlier that a few of you have "checked in" to see if there is anything new posted yet (assuming, because no one has left any new comments).  I am thoroughly flattered and feel loved. ;)  I will have something to post by this evening.  Hope you stop back! 

Giant Print Edition

Wow.  Just started typing out this post and went back to increase the font size because I couldn’t see what I was typing.  That has determined the direction of this post.  Let’s do something a little more light hearted than several of the previous musings.

Aging sucks.  I am not even forty yet…I know, it’s creeping; but the aging process has been increasingly noticeable in the last year.  I would like to fault the events of life’s recent circumstances, and perhaps they have played a part; but overall it is just the suckiness (yeah, that’s right suckiness- is that with an i or a y?) of pushing 40. 

When did the distinction between my butt and legs vanish?  Or at what precise moment did I mistake my hands for my mother’s? (No intended offense Mother, but you are 23 years older than I.) Dear lord, do I even want to go into facial hair?  It’s like I woke up one morning and could create a locks-of-loves donation for the Chin Hair Club for Women; and that’s a whole separate issue from the verity that I now have more chins than the Chinese phone book (this is not a racial slur; it could be likened to saying- more Schmidt than a German outhouse, just not as fitting.) 

Now, I will say the “up” side to the bust issue is just that.  With age, and having nursed three children, if I want to wear them up, I can wear them up.  If I want to wear them down, I can wear them down.  I can now even wear them to the side. Versatility.  That’s how I’m gonna roll with it (as the whippersnappers say). Nevertheless, I am still frustrated with the whole concurrent arrival of wrinkles AND zits… one of life’s greatest injustices. 

I have also become aware, that I no longer simply arise from a chair… I lean, slide and push up. What is that??  My knees also sound like Rice Krispies upon both, the ascent and descent, of the freaking stairs.  I don’t even know if I can stomach the details regarding hair.  Why is it, that for every two hairs I lose, only one GREY hair replaces it?  Those ratios are completely out of proportion… and SO not in my favor.  Those of you with great hair (and you so know who you are), should be on your face before our Creator in humble thanksgiving for your crown of glory. (Blehk…I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.)

Okay, well I had the early bird special; watched 60 minutes from the davenport; and the sun has already set so I should probably turn in for the night (I love my Craftmatic Adjustable).  Anybody seen my bi-focals so I can see where to shut off this new-fangled piece of machinery? :/